GIR Bites Back
by BunnyGrrl
Summary: I hate this one. It's one of my earlier, "OH! I must write a IZ fic! NOW! NOW! NOW!" It's not a favorite, but i figured, hey, it might make somebody giggle. (R/R for the love of cake!)


Gir Bites Back  
  
-another pathetic attempt at Zim humor-  
  
* By BunnyGrrl *  
  
A/N It's not mine. It all belongs to funny man Jhonen Vasquez. Personally, I'd HATE to own IZ. Yeahhh... You heard me! PFF!  
  
Gir sat on the couch watching TV. Like he always does. But he wasn't watching 'The Scary Monkey Show' like every other day. No. Gir had found a new show to watch, it was called 'When Good Pets Go Psycho and Kill People'.  
  
It was interesting. Gir didn't know animals were supposed to do such gory things. But, he thought, I don't have much experience as a dog, so...  
  
He sat and learned. The TV was never wrong, so it served as a good teacher. And Zim was never really around to teach him anything useful.  
  
So, every night at 8:00- when Zim was working in the lab- Gir would watch the TV show... And learn.  
  
"In this next clip," the pale, spooky, wide eyed host said, "A diseased laboratory monkey escapes and runs rampant in a suburban neighborhood." The camera zoomed in on the spooky man, his eye twitched. "Let's watch."  
  
To Gir's great relief, the host was replaced by a close up of a mangy, shifty looking monkey.  
  
"Ooh!" Gir squealed, and sat directly in front of the TV.  
  
On the screen, the monkey's eyes darted left and right. It screeched, and jumped out of the tree it had been hiding in. It then ran across the street and sent people scattering like sheep.  
  
"Go, monkey!" Gir yelled, jabbing his little fist in the air,  
  
After the monkey got across the street, it scampered up a light pole. The camera panned over to see a man in white approaching the pole with a large net, another man behind him- also in white- was carrying a tranquilizer gun.  
  
Gasping, Gir inched closer to the TV just as the second man in white shot the gun. The dart hit the monkey in the neck, and after a few moments of savage screeching, the animal dropped from the pole. The first man caught it in the net. An audible "YAY!" came from the crowd of people watching.  
  
"NOOO!" screamed Gir, and he rolled over on his stomach and started pounding on the floor with clenched fists. "It's not fair!! MOOONKEEEY!!!"  
  
Irony played it's hand, and Zim rose out of the trash can. He hopped out, yawned, and walked into the living room. "Gir, I-" Zim stopped and stared at the robot who was sobbing hysterically on the floor. "Uh... Gir?"  
  
Gir looked up at Zim, his eyes now demonically red. He opened his mouth and let out a savage and primal hiss.  
  
Zim's eyes widened and he slowly backed into the kitchen, and onto the toilet. He then flushed himself back down to the lab.  
  
After he blinked, Gir's eyes returned to their normal cool blue. He jumped to his feet and ran into the kitchen and to the toilet. He leaned over it and yelled, "Master! Master, come back!"  
  
No answer.  
  
The robot let out a loud sniffle and sat down next to the toilet.  
  
-*-  
  
The next morning, Zim cautiously peered out of the trash can. Seeing Gir loudly snoring next to the toilet, Zim stepped out of the trash can, never taking his now blue and white eyes off the robot.  
  
Unfortunately for him, he didn't notice the empty "Mountain Whizz" soda can in the middle of the floor.  
  
One booted foot went over the can, and...  
  
"AAA- Oof!"  
  
Zim found himself sprawled out on the floor. He tried to get to his feet, but it was too late.  
  
"Doom master!"  
  
Gir galloped on all fours towards Zim who- lip quivering- backed into a corner.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAH!!" screamed the terrified alien as Gir lunged at him. He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped it wouldn't hurt too badly...  
  
SSsslluUUurrpp!!  
  
Gir had licked his face.  
  
Zim, still shaking in fear, opened his eyes and looked down at the robot who was now nuzzling his chest. He let out a sigh or relief. "Gir?" he finally said. "About last night, what was that?"  
  
Gir looked up at him, confused. "What was what?"  
  
"The whole hissing thing."  
  
"Who, me?!" Gir asked incredulously  
  
Zim cocked an eyebrow. "Yes. You."  
  
The robot stuck out his tongue and tapped his chin. "I don't remember any particular hiss..."  
  
There was a beat of silence, and Zim shoved Gir off his chest and stood up. "I'll require you're presence at Skool today, Gir." he put his hands on his hips. "Some stupid 'show and tell' thing. Pff. Moron humans."  
  
Gir started jumping up and down, his tongue still hanging out of his mouth. "WHOO HOO!! Skool!" he started dancing around chanting 'Skool' over and over again.  
  
Maybe I can just say I forgot and leave him here. Thought Zim. Then he remembered what Ms. Bitters had told him...  
  
"Either bring in something to make your stupid little classmates squeal like pigs, or spend the rest of your natural lives in the supply cabinet."  
  
Despite himself, Zim shuddered. "Get your leash, Gir."  
  
"Way ahead of you, sir!" Gir chirped and pulled his leash out of his mouth.  
  
Zim clipped the slightly damp leash onto Gir and opened to front door. Gir squealed and zoomed into the street.  
  
"Wha- AAAGH!!"  
  
-*-  
  
At Skool, Dib was sitting on the front stoop with Gaz who was playing- as usual- her video game.  
  
"I wonder what Zim'll bring in for show and tell." Dib said to Gaz, who was paying him no attention, so he was basically talking to himself.  
  
Dib grinned evilly. "But I know what I'll bring in for show and tell when it's my turn..." he rubbed his hands together. "Zim's slimy squeedily spooch IN A JAR!! HA!! HAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
By now, the whole school was looking at him, because he had stood up and flung his hands into the air as he laughed.  
  
Gaz looked up at Dib. "I'm going to have to kill you if you don't SIT DOWN!"  
  
Glaring at all the children, Dib lowered himself back to the step.  
  
Then, a boy across the playground pointed down the street and screamed, "Look!"  
  
All the kids herded to where the boy stood. Dib looked up from his daze just in time to see Zim being dragged into the Skool yard by the same thing that had rescued him during that 'pleasant' romp they had through the city. He stood, pointing, mouth hanging open, and walked to the group of kids gathered around Zim and the.... the thing.  
  
When he got close enough, he could see Zim laying face down on the ground, his left foot twitching. But, more importantly, he saw Gir. All the girls were giggling and saying, "How cute!" The only thing Dib could say was "Eep!"  
  
Zim rolled over onto his back and spit up a mouthful of gravel. Gir lovingly licked his forehead.  
  
"Aw! Zim, is that your dog?" Asked a girl.  
  
"That's not a dog!" Dib yelled, finally finding his voice. "Dogs don't have zippers!"  
  
"Why do you have to be so mean to Zim, Dib?!" asked the same girl crossly.  
  
"Yeah!" a boy piped up. "First you make fun of him, now you make fun of his dog!"  
  
"But- but-" Dib stammered.  
  
"Now you know why you don't have any friends." sneered a little blonde haired girl.  
  
Dib narrowed his eyes and walked back to Gaz, who hadn't looked up from her game.  
  
Shakily, Zim got to his feet. He grabbed Gir's leash and led him inside Skool, patting Dib's shoulder on the way in and saying, "Nice try."  
  
The bell rang, and Dib's pathetic sobs of anger were covered by the sound of pounding feet and chattering children.  
  
-*-  
  
In class, Zim was under his desk whispering to Gir.  
  
"Now Gir, listen VERY carefully: when I tell you to do something- do it. Just. Act. Normal. Did you get that?"  
  
But Gir was busily chewing on some gum. He blew a bubble, and it exploded in his face. He giggled.  
  
"Where'd you get that?" Asked Zim, annoyed.  
  
"Oh!" the robot said, picking gum off his face. "Off the bottom of the desk. You want some?"  
  
Zim made a face. "No." he turned towards the door and saw the class walk in. "Just act like a normal dog for once. Not psycho like you always are."  
  
Gir stopped chewing and said, "Psycho?"  
  
"That's right." Zim said hurriedly. He then sat back in his seat, holding Gir's leash. Gir simply stared at the chalk board.  
  
All the kids got into the room and took their seats. Then, in a rather frightening way, Ms. Bitters slithered in and stood behind her desk. "Today," she said, starring at the class evilly. "Zim will be showing us his stupid little animal for show and tell. So shut up and listen- or else!" she held up a wooden board with a rusty nail sticking out of it. The whole class gasped. "Zim! Get up here."  
  
Zim stood up and walked up to the front of the room. Gir obediently trotted next to him, and Zim smiled in pride. He turned to face the class and cleared his throat. Everyone stared at him. The alien put his hands behind his back and rolled on his heels.  
  
"This is my dog, Gir. He's pretty average, and-"  
  
"What breed is he?" called Dib, grinning coyly.  
  
Zim paused to glare at Dib. "He's a mix."  
  
"Mix of what?" Dib retorted, still grinning.  
  
Thinking quickly, Zim answered, "I adopted him from a... Uhm... animal... place."  
  
Raising an eyebrow, Dib said, "Isn't that... convenient?"  
  
The two rivals glared at each other. Ms. Bitters slammed the board onto her desk. Zim jerked and Gir continued to stare into the class. Statue still.  
  
"Shut up, you two!" the teacher hissed. "Hurry up and get this over with!"  
  
Zim stuck his tongue out at Dib and looked down at Gir-  
  
He was gone.  
  
The alien looked around frantically. Suddenly, there was a loud screeching sound and Gir dropped down from the ceiling and onto Dib.  
  
"AHH! AHH! GET IF OFF!!" cried Dib, flying out of his seat and running around the perimeter of the classroom. Gir had attached himself to Dib's head and was growling and hissing at the top of his robotic lungs.  
  
By now, the whole class was screaming. Zim stood in the front of the class, wide eyed and holding a Gir-less leash. Ms. Bitters opened a desk drawer and pulled out a spray can that said "Kill It Good!" and aimed it at Gir. Zim gasped and lunged at her arm, throwing him and the teacher to the ground. They both struggled for the can.  
  
Meanwhile, Gir had jumped off Dib's head and onto a high bookshelf. He opened his mouth wide, "OOG! AAGA! OO, OO, OOOHA!!"  
  
Dib, quickly getting over his attack, grabbed his math book and winged it at Gir. The rest of the kids were busy trying to get out the door- which Ms. Bitters always kept locked. They were using Keef as a battering ram.  
  
"Get off me, you hole!!" Ms. Bitters screamed as Zim wrapped his arms around the hand that held the can.  
  
"YOU CAN'T KILL MY DOG!!" Zim yelled back, and finally got the can out of her hand. He threw it out the window and briskly walked to the bookshelf where Gir had a death grip on Dib's hair, he was screaming in pain.  
  
Repressing a snicker, Zim looked up at Gir and said, "Stop this madness immediately, Gir!! You'll blow our cover!"  
  
"Ah-HAH!" Dib gasped, pointing at Zim. "I kne- AAAAAAAAGH!!"  
  
Gir, still yanking Dib's hair, smiled crazily. "I'm being psycho, master!" he called over Dib's screaming. "Just like you told me! I'M A MONKEY!"  
  
Zim banged his head into the bookshelf. "I told you not to be yourself- I SAID TO BE NORMAL!!" he stopped and said, "Well, you've never been normal..." he snapped his fingers then said, "You to be 'normal-'" he added quotation marks with his fingers. "-for one day is against your code, isn't it?"  
  
Letting go of Dib's hair- who sank to the floor- Gir leaped into Zim's arms and hugged him. "I knew you'd understand, master."  
  
Zim opened his arms and Gir fell to the floor with a 'thunk'.  
  
"YOU!!" said a familiar voice, cold and raspy.  
  
Zim groaned and turned around. Gir hopped around his legs.  
  
"DETENTION! NO RECESS! LUNCH ROOM DUTY!" Ms. Bitters screamed, flames shooting out of her ears.  
  
BANG!  
  
"HOORAY!"  
  
The door finally popped off it's hinges and all the children ran out, Keef following rather dazed.  
  
Zim pointed in their direction. "But I made them squeal!!"  
  
Groaning, Dib rolled onto his back. Gir saw this, and hopped over to him. He hopped onto his chest, and licked his face. Dib's eyes flashed open and he sprang to his feet and ran out of the room screaming; "I'VE GOT AN ALIEN DISEASE!!! I'M DIESEEEEEEAASSSSEEEDDD!!!"  
  
Gir looked up at Zim and whispered, "Did I help, master?"  
  
Watching Ms. Bitters write up his detention slip, Zim smiled and said, "I guess so, Gir." He nodded and looked down at Gir, "Yeah, you helped. You did good, little friend. Dib will never forget this one."  
  
"YAY!" Gir hugged Zim's boot. "Can we go home and watch 'When Good Pets Go Psycho And Kill People' now?"  
  
Zim lifted an eyebrow. "I'm going to go home and destroy that TV..."  
  
THE END 


End file.
